Once I get back, my wound worsened by the trans-dimensional trip, I fall down. I am brought to the 4th squad barrack and I get looked after by Unohana taichou. When I open my eyes after a long and deep sleep, Yamamoto and his lieutenant are in the room where I sleep alone.
I sigh. His tone makes me think I am never coming back to soul society. It’s not like it’s a surprise but I start regretting my foolishness. Was killing Tousen worth my status as a shinigami?
As soon as Yamamoto is gone, everyone in the 9th division comes over to my room to say hi. I explain the situation, telling them I am no longer their captain and Hisagi will now be in charge until I get back. I don’t tell them I probably never will because I can see they like having me as their captain and thinking I will come back gives them hope. They promise me they will never replace me and will patiently wait for my return. I offer them a proud and touched smile even though my heart brakes for them a little. They spend some time on my bedside then they all go back to their normal life, leaving Hisagi behind. Once we’re alone and after catching up a little on my health and real situation, he asks me what happened in Hueco Mundo. I understand what he’s really asking me.
“I killed him,” I simply say, refereeing to the one who hurt him when he left because he respected and admired him so much.
I can see he’s torn between relief and sadness. I’m sure he would have preferred if I had changed Tousen’s mind and brought him back with me but I think that what I did was right and the best option for everyone. Tired by my fragile state and this conversation, I close my eyes while Hisagi is watching over me, sitting right by my futon.
After a few days in the 4th squad barrack, I am almost fully healed. When Unohana comes over to check up on me, she tells me I’m ready to leave. The others aren’t back from Hueco Mundo yet and I am hoping to wait here until they are. I ask her if she can pretend I’m not ready yet so I can say my goodbyes but she refuses. That bitch! We never liked each other anyway… She tells me she gives me an extra night then I’ll have to leave tomorrow first thing.
Before the sun goes down, Hisagi comes over for the last time. With butterflies in my stomach, I give him my last orders so he can become the taichou the 9th squad need. We decide to spend some time together to chat and drink sake until we both fall asleep.
In the middle of the night, a big noise wakes me up. I get up, look around me and see Hisagi sleeping on the floor. I smile then hear the noise again. It sounds like someone is coughing. I get out of my room and walk along the hallway up to the last door. I open it and see Ukitake sitting on a futon, coughing his lungs off. He looks up to see who’s there and smiles when he realises it’s me. I think to myself if he’s here and not in his own house, something must be really wrong. He starts coughing again. I get to the table, put some tea in a cup for him, and bring it to him.
He drinks it quickly and thanks me. I sit next to him and ask him how he’s feeling. He sounds pretty negative about his health which isn’t like him so I’m assuming it’s really bad. But he keeps his eternal warming smile on. He’s so strong despite his terrible health, I decide to stop complaining about my own problems. We spend the rest of the night chatting. I realise it’s my last night, my last chance to reveal everything I learned and know about Aizen so I let him know everything Gotei 13 needs to know to fight the guy. Everything I saw at Las Noches, the enemy resources, Aizen’s plans… I tell Ukitake everything that can help the shinigami destroy Aizen and his arrancars. When I’m done, I get up to leave him alone and rest.“It was a pleasure meeting you and being your fellow captain,” he says before I reach the door.
At first, I think he’s saying that because he knows just like I do that I’m never going to come back from my banishment. But then I realise he said these words because he feels like when I’ll come back to soul society, he won’t be there anymore. A couple of tears fall down my cheeks and I decide to stay with him until the sun rises.
When morning comes, I say goodbye and wish good luck to Ukitake then I’m escorted to the portal by Yamamoto’s squad. There, I see everyone from the 9th squad waiting for me with Hisagi by the entrance of the portal. I keep my tears to myself this time, trying to look as proud as possible then I leave with a wave.
In the real world, Isshin allows me to live with me at first but I quickly get myself a job and a place to live. It’s been months since I heard anything from soul society. Even Isshin doesn’t seem to have any news from Ichigo.
One night, I get myself cornered in a dark alley by some junkies. I smile, and instead of running, I start a fight. I got myself in trouble so many times since I got here, I’m well known by the local police for getting into fights. Usually, I do that to help people in need but this time it looks like I’m the one in danger. I punch to the ground those ridiculously weak guys. There are still 2 left but before I can finish them, I hear a familiar voice behind me. I turn around and see Yumichika and Ikkaku watching the show. Seeing them here burst the frozen wall that built up around my heart since I moved to the real world. Ikkaku smiles when he sees I noticed them.
“Are we interrupting something?”
I swallow up my tears of joy and excitement and wink at him.
“No I'm just about done here!”
I finish up with a couple of powerful kicks and run to my two favorite shinigamis to hold them so tightly I could strangle them. I thought I was never going to see them ever again and here they are, right in front of me! This time, I let the tears falling down my cheeks.
I invite them over so we can talk privately. The need to tell me everything that has been happening since I left. On the way, they start caching me up about everything I missed. Apparently, I haven’t missed much action since they came back from Hueco Mundo, only a lot of planning for the next big battle. Before we get to my place, they tell me they have a surprise for me. Before I can ask what it is, we turn around the corner in my street and I see Kenpachi, leaning against my door. My heart skips a bit and my legs stop functioning. I can’t walk, I can’t move at all, I can barely breathe. My body is getting too heavy and I kneel in the middle of the road, tears falling down my cheeks like a little girl. My former taichou comes towards me, picks me up, and carries me to my apartment.
Once we’re all in and I get myself back together, we all sit around the table. I offer them something to drink and we continue chatting. I tell them I’m worried I am never going to be called back to soul society again. That makes me mad because it meant the world to me and I feel like I lost my purpose in life. Kenpachi tells me I should trust Yamamoto and believe in the future. He seems to think the reason I’m stuck here isn’t just a punishment but also a precaution since Aizen got me under his control. I may have been turned into some kind of spy against my will, or worst, a weapon to be used to destroy Seretei. Kenpachi tells me he’s sure they’re going to ask me to come back as soon as Aizen is gone. I really want to believe that but I have the feeling he’s wrong and my exile is final. I’m afraid I’ll never go back home, be with the ones I love the most, do the thing that gives me a purpose, and inspires me.
After an awkward silence, Yumichika and Ikkaku decide to leave me alone with their taichou. I take this opportunity to tell Kenpachi that Urahara gave me a pill I can take to erase my memory to avoid suffering from this situation.
“Do you want to forget about your life as a shinigami? Do you want to forget about your past, about what made you who you are? Do you want to forget about all of us?”
I bite my lips. He’s getting agitated. He’s about to get super pissed. I need to pick my words carefully.
“I know it sounds terribly selfish but this situation is unbearable! What choice do I have?”
Wrong words. Kenpachi stands up, slapping the table with both hands.
“It's just another fight. You're strong enough to make it. You'll go through it like any other fights.”
“This is different. I'll have no hope to find my life like it was before. This fight is too hard!”
I can feel tears of guilt and deep sadness building up in the corner of my eyes as Kenpachi’s expression is turning from angry to frustrated.
“So you're just gonna give up?”
“What else am I supposed to do?”
“Fight!”
“I can't. Not this time... It's too much!”
“At least you'll die trying! Not giving up like a coward!”
His words are stabbing my heart deeply. But the conversation is going around in circle and there’s nothing more to add. He walks to the door without even looking back at me. He opens the door but before leaving, he turns his face slightly, just enough to show me the disappointment in his eyes then disappears, slamming the door behind him.
My heart aches from the pain I read on his face. I feel guilty for hurting him like I did, I feel disappointed in myself for being so weak but can I really go on in life knowing I’ll never be a part of their lives?
After a few minutes where I seem to have lost myself in deep thoughts, someone knocks on the door. I open and see Yumichika. He’s alone and looking at me, sickened by what he may have just heard.
“So it's true? You're not going to fight ?”
I can’t even answer him as I am too ashamed that I even consider this as a possibility but can’t seem to find any other way.
“Where's Ikkaku?”
“He didn't want to come. He couldn't stand to look at you.”
His words are like a poisonous spear thrown right into my heart. The pain Kenpachi planted earlier is spreading through my body. I clench my fists. Yumichika turns around to leave but stops himself before reaching the corner of the street.
“By the way, I'm disappointed too!”
He stays there without another word. He doesn’t turn around but he’s not leaving either. I don’t know if he’s expecting an answer or some kind of goodbyes. I can’t talk, I can’t even stand. I fall on the floor, and yell:
“Just leave!”
He does as he’s told with a sigh.
Just then, I feel all my frustration, my pain, my rage coming out and start shouting at the sky. When I gather enough energy, I run to the river to get some fresh air in the nigh. I keep reliving the scene in my head. I can see Kenpachi’s sad face, his eyes full of disappointment and anger. I can hear Yumichika’s sharp words. Ikkaku’s absence. It hurts a little more every time. Then, little by little, Kenpachi’s words find their way inside me. I know he’s right. I can’t give up. No matter how hard, how painful it is, I’m not the kind who just gives up.
I take the little pill out of my pocket. I look at it for a while then throw it into the water. I shout again at the sky but this time with a new determination. This is my new enemy, and no matter the difficulty, no matter how long this fight will last, I’ll destroy it just like all the others.
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